Rewriting Retraining Rediscovering Begins and Ends with Me

Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: No one to Blame. Erica Jong


So about two months ago or so, I was given an ultimatum. However, after contemplating the ultimatum I realized it was not for me but for the person who gave it to me. No love lost. This person well he's a wonderful person. For me to get pass this I had to put things in their correct order. I realized that we saw something that we both desired, we didn't have to argue about it. You do yours and I do mine. We were on the same road with a fork up ahead, then at some point we will come back together. We had different priorities; it neither make it right nor wrong: Just Different!

There was a protest between my heart and my mind. Feelings and Rationale. Everything he said to me that he didn't want it was what I allowed him to give me. Then something within me popped and I found the power to say 'No.' No more. So I am going through this healing self rediscovery process. I allowed myself to become angry. Anger was my fuel. It was that voice I had to listen to, I respected it and it map my way through by showing me what my boundaries are. My anger was meant to be acted upon and I did it.

 Then I prayed and took the responsibility of what I prayed for. I was unblocked and it scared me, really did. I was taking a risk, retraining myself in the unknown, and slowly I took my step toward Him, and He in return took more steps towards me and He helped me through my rationale. My friend SSA always said to me 'you ignore the things that you need to pay attention to pertaining your life. You care for your children, your household and others but you need to pay more attention to your inner voice.' I finally did!

I allowed myself to be sabotaged by my shame and was afraid of embarrassment. On this sojourn shameful things were brought to light, that opened the cellars of my being. Then I continue my self detective work and found that my self growth has been so erratic that each time I took a step forward I fell behind by 4 steps. Then I applied the modus operandi. When I was training for athletics, there was the warm up session, the hard training and he cool down. "Easy accomplishes it" I practiced been kind to myself; I threw myself a life line and I saved myself. I Saved Myself!

I took it in strides thirty - sixty - ninety…PR was the one who gave me those rule over a year ago and they are in application.

Summarizing: I often short changed myself and become starved and then feeling myself perish just because I wanted to fulfill my emotional needs (which isn't wrong but misapplied) when the fulfilling stuff doesn't come with it I was left in a situation and then I had to compromise. With this compromising  it was more like emotional prostitution. So I am paying more attention to myself so much so that he who was giving me the attention took it away saying 'I took him for granted; make a choice between so and so. Your change is not a positive change all that good stuff' I realized that I know longer sold myself short; My Change was for Myself despite how others saw it!

So Temporary success may set us for awhile; but is it substantial?

Andrea O.

A day before Full Moon (Nature)

The moon like a flower
In heavens high bower
With silent delight
Sits and smiles on the night...
by William Blake

Under the moonlit sky the surf runs amongst the rocks. Tempted for a swim, yet I would not go in. The grainy sand sinks from the weight of my footsteps leaving imprints on the coral floor. Brown seaweed lies dead across the beach. Cool crisp breezes blow with soothing sprays. Out in the channel the lights flicker,
green...red...white

I should shed my clothes and in my nakedness enter into the ocean; my solace is there.

I stand on the shoreline, while the moon plays hide and seek with the clouds. The languid water crawls to my feet teases and pulls back...

I want to submerge, but the wind kisses me through my garments and beckons me to stay. The moon shine ripples of crystal on the ocean, then sending his softness on the rocks that guards the bay. There in the bosom of nature I stand, white suds created from the light rolls.

Lightning! A quick whip of light lit the clouds in the left. I've not observed the ring around the moon just yet so hopefully no rain...

Stars are falling from the sky, one, two...

While the shore answers yes to the waves, my body answers to the thought of getting wet from streamlet of ocean kisses.

AOP

Rocky Haven (Observation)

Surf play in the rocks. Gurgling sounds in crescendo and diminuendo when the surf retreats to the ocean floor. Chiming crickets and whistling frogs alarm the night. Stars! Galaxies! Reflect in small pools in the rocks. White surf splashes light through thickness of the night. Clouds scarce in the vastness of the sky. Moon, I can't seem to find that half sleeping moon, but I am inspired by the constant dazzling constellations.

White breakers beat against rocks. A satellite blinking across the sky interrupting natures charm, it has red light signals. It appears to be taking a reading. A major distraction!
Back to the stars and the surf. The sky bleeds darkness into the ocean and the stars becomes the surf and the surf rise to the sky and become stars. The ocean in its majesty roaringly claps on the rocks.  Sometimes the ocean resembles soothing yet lamenting cries. Crickets pluck, frogs exhale, but the ocean drowns their sounds when its surging in.

My retreat, ah; the crickets and frogs are wondrous violinists.

Fluffy pillows of clouds cover some of the stars ; a thick white blanket was suddenly spread across the sky drawing a close to the starry night; yet patches of stars peak through tiny spying holes to let in a flicker of light.  The sky cries little translucent beads of rain. The surroundings have become inhospitable .