Rewriting Retraining Rediscovering Begins and Ends with Me

Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: No one to Blame. Erica Jong


So about two months ago or so, I was given an ultimatum. However, after contemplating the ultimatum I realized it was not for me but for the person who gave it to me. No love lost. This person well he's a wonderful person. For me to get pass this I had to put things in their correct order. I realized that we saw something that we both desired, we didn't have to argue about it. You do yours and I do mine. We were on the same road with a fork up ahead, then at some point we will come back together. We had different priorities; it neither make it right nor wrong: Just Different!

There was a protest between my heart and my mind. Feelings and Rationale. Everything he said to me that he didn't want it was what I allowed him to give me. Then something within me popped and I found the power to say 'No.' No more. So I am going through this healing self rediscovery process. I allowed myself to become angry. Anger was my fuel. It was that voice I had to listen to, I respected it and it map my way through by showing me what my boundaries are. My anger was meant to be acted upon and I did it.

 Then I prayed and took the responsibility of what I prayed for. I was unblocked and it scared me, really did. I was taking a risk, retraining myself in the unknown, and slowly I took my step toward Him, and He in return took more steps towards me and He helped me through my rationale. My friend SSA always said to me 'you ignore the things that you need to pay attention to pertaining your life. You care for your children, your household and others but you need to pay more attention to your inner voice.' I finally did!

I allowed myself to be sabotaged by my shame and was afraid of embarrassment. On this sojourn shameful things were brought to light, that opened the cellars of my being. Then I continue my self detective work and found that my self growth has been so erratic that each time I took a step forward I fell behind by 4 steps. Then I applied the modus operandi. When I was training for athletics, there was the warm up session, the hard training and he cool down. "Easy accomplishes it" I practiced been kind to myself; I threw myself a life line and I saved myself. I Saved Myself!

I took it in strides thirty - sixty - ninety…PR was the one who gave me those rule over a year ago and they are in application.

Summarizing: I often short changed myself and become starved and then feeling myself perish just because I wanted to fulfill my emotional needs (which isn't wrong but misapplied) when the fulfilling stuff doesn't come with it I was left in a situation and then I had to compromise. With this compromising  it was more like emotional prostitution. So I am paying more attention to myself so much so that he who was giving me the attention took it away saying 'I took him for granted; make a choice between so and so. Your change is not a positive change all that good stuff' I realized that I know longer sold myself short; My Change was for Myself despite how others saw it!

So Temporary success may set us for awhile; but is it substantial?

Andrea O.